What Is a Life? 18 Years of Mine, Say Hi!


Life goes on uninterrupted. It demands your attention and gives nothing but scraps of painful treats in return.

I got no reasons for living, I don’t have enough to die. A stand-still place, my life. A complicated creature that found it fun to visit me, to weave a candy in my face and say: “Come with me!”

Too many want you to be perfect, to have only them as friends even though they treat you worse than a chewed gun stuck on a shoe. My friends…I barely know what that word means or how it’s supposed to be connected to me. They, just like life does it, demand utter devotion and attention but in return, they are not friends, but enemies….or perhaps… that’s all you’ve always been to them even though you tried to consider them friends? What’s the point of even knowing their names, their past, their present, their every second when they simply do not care?

I know how it feels to have your friends stomp on your heart, if they were your friends at all. I also know how your supposed boyfriend(s) could make it yell in happiness and moan in sadness when they squish it to pieces, after it’s been already turned into crumbs.

I know the feelings, the thoughts, the tight smile when your closest people view you as nothing more than something that shouldn’t have enough opacity to appear in their paths. Why would they want something they see as worthless? Why would they choose to like you and feast upon your goods when it’s so easy to drag you down, to make you feel fat, dumb, bad, a failure, an accident, a thing they can barely stand looking at?

I’m afraid to love even if now I’m doing exactly that. I’m afraid to feel even though my whole left side aches, screams, twists, kicks and demands a bandage, or perhaps death. The pain it’s piling up and then sends surges into your very veins, your very lungs, your very ends, till you feel nothing no more, yet everything at once? Do you feel that?

There have been points in my life when I felt as if suicide could be my only escape. I only considered the idea but never tried it. I knew that, even with all their faults, there’d be people that’d miss me, that’d cry and perhaps, in all that pain, their own candle could run out. I wasn’t about to risk that for years of me trapped in the mud, with them crying a small distance above my head on why I was gone, why I wasn’t there, why I didn’t choose to stay.

I couldn’t do it, Can’t do it still!

With so many things happening in my life, I feel that it had no purpose nor do I believe I’ll find one soon enough. It’s as if my existence is an altar of sacrifices, compromises, promises and empty words. As if I have no purpose, no reason to get friends, to chat, to laugh, to smile, to sleep, to die, to survive. Nothing but emptiness.

I’ve wiped my board way too many times. I choose to trust a future that never cared about the bright side, that never really bought anything but more empty promises, more pain, more weight to a patched heart. But I went on somehow, I dragged my feet along!

If you’d ask me what hurts the most I could simply tell you: “All and everything yet nothing that should have you concerned.”

I hold no hurt to measure, no pain to count on petals, no love to feel anymore and, at the same time, I hold them all

It’s as if my whole core knows love as a drop of hurt mixed with a mustard-colored care that does nothing more than be there... for when someone says: “I love you!”….That way, I got something to say in return.

I can barely feel love. I’m forgetting what love is. I’m unable to remember or to grieve.

And yet I’m still alive and try to maintain that status. I  didn’t feel allowed to even let my irises see the sun in the morning or at noon, depending when I wake up. Or perhaps, when I go down since I can hardly sleep sooner than 9 AM. Last year of highschool, last bit of rocky oceans, last push…still wide awake, still hungry, still empty, still feeling asleep.

It’s funny how many times I asked myself  “Why couldn’t everything just work out for once?” whenever one of my relationships ended. Got 3 so far…I think, I hope. They died out, because of me, because of them, because we weren’t them and they weren’t us and our thoughts were all that never flew across. Or maybe it was something else…

One relationship did work out…Not in a relationship way. Were friends, were okay, we are exactly what we are meant to be: good friends. And that’s more than okay with me. :)

And yet, when I do manage to cry as my eyes tend to usually be quite dry, I feel as if I’m silently screaming and kicking and shouting and yelling and fighting…but I do not know what for.

They plague me, silent soldiers of the night, ghosts of the day. They tear my string-held-heart open and run across my lips.

Tears…

Yet they bring no comfort. They deny me such and if they do allow me, it’s usually at the worst of times….I need them on the ready, ready to come down as curtains from my own two cried eyes.

And yet…they cry inside more often than they do outside. They rain inside me as if tiger claws burn my jaw, my eyes, my lips, my temples, my hands, my feet, my back, my tummy, my chest, my everything. And yet, they deny me time.

I always loved to help others. I always loved to be there for those others…I always disliked doing too much for those others when, in the end, those others did nothing to me than being the worst they can be. I’m not someone to kiss people’s bums, I’m not there to make them happy by being their bully toy, I’m not the blame donkey nor I am an antique temple of endless patience.

I’m me, and that’s who I shall always be!

  • The woman of no masks yet plenty.
  • The daughter with no secrets but many many empty promises stored in a jar from mom and a disgusting creature of a dad.
  • The niece of 2 perhaps awesome people even if one, most of the times, prefers to bring me down.
  • The niece of 2 people that got two children and have been my parents, just as the others have.
  • The cousin of two children (one 2, the other less than that), which rarely sees their faces because she’s bad with handling kids.
  • The friend that’s always there for plenty till the time comes for them to be for me even a fraction of what I tried to be for them. Then, they don’t exist.
  • The lover of so many that they’d been only 3, one nice and friendly and my safe refuge, one with a cruel heart yet sweet appearances…and another one who I am yet to know what I’m supposed to be for after so long time alone

Who knows…

  • The day where my smile felt wide enough to tear my face apart and scream to the world: I found happiness, I found my soul and another found mine,
  • The last day I existed in your eyes. Perhaps I was long gone from your heart. Too early, too late?
  • The day I’m somewhat alright, somehow fine. Tears cause headaches but that’s fine.

And the cycle repeats, every time…

Life is far from perfect. There’s no such thing as roads, turns, valleys, mountains, sadness, happiness…no stand-alone events. Instead, it’s full of dangers, of fake rewards and cruel punishments, no matter your input.

It’s something that I never felt graced by. In Life’s eyes I was a sinner of no-known crime…And so far I survived somehow, someway.

The hourglass is threatening to turn, but in which way?

I couldn’t end without addressing a personal message to someone who I can always call, even at 3 AM and yawn with till sleep gets the best of us: 

Thank you, you that you know who’s that You! I wouldn’t dare to crack a shy smile today if it weren’t for you. So much to be sorry for and just as much to feel gratitude towards. You are my chained martyr that always rains soft whispers from above.

I know that I ignored my blog but I honestly didn’t have any reasons to write on it. Nothing to use it for. I felt as if writing for the sake of writing would make it share my fate. My life ain’t purple, pink or violet. It’s a dense drink, with all the colors mixed within. Drink deep, drink all and burn for one quick breath at a time. Will I still be writing this year? Only way to tell….

 

This is a short sketched view on what’s been going on my head for a few months, while looking back into my short past. Doesn’t contain it all, doesn’t explain much but after another sleepless night, it’s enough. It might or might not get better with time. But perhaps me or maybe you, will survive. :)

It’s not meant to be a happy post, it’s not meant to mourn either. It’s meant to get some of my thoughts on some virtual paper so I hopefully won’t have to wrestle them as much. (Riiiiiight….probably not! Hehe) If that will happen or not, I do not know.

Perhaps you can relate to at least the feelings expressed in my post. I tried to keep it simple but I’m afraid the ways of writing caught me on their wings again.

 

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11 thoughts on “What Is a Life? 18 Years of Mine, Say Hi!

  1. So sorry you’re feeling like this. I hope you can find something positive to hold onto and pull you out of this dark place. Hopefully you at least feel better for getting all this off your chest. Make life what you want it to be and don’t stop til you get there. You can do it! Start with chocolate x

    1. Oh the chocolate! It’s yummy but it will be a pain to take off since my routine is now: stay awake for large amounts of time, sleep when you can’t stay awake anymore, eat a little when there’s something to eat and I’m feeling hungry, repeat.

      I do feel better have it put out somewhere and not bottled inside. There’s so much more I have to write on but I wouldn’t want this blog to become a sad place. Albeit….perhaps it should since it witnessed different parts of me time and time again.

      At the moment I hold into my mom and cats albeit I know that mom holds into me to push as both forward. It’s quite the pressure but perhaps this will be my final stretch for her…a few more months of sanity for her so I can finish my high school, get the grades we both need to, hopefully, have a better life….

      Thanks for the encouragement though. :)

  2. I’m so sorry my friend you feel the way you feel I hope things work out for you. You was once there for me and commented on my blog when was feeling down. I’m gonna tell you it gets better but don’t give up. If you need to talk to mail me just don’t give in to this feeling.

    1. Hi Dear! I do remember. It was the time when I faced enough on my own and still felt that there is still something out there to push on for. It might get better, yes, that was my hope for so long. At the moment though it feels like I stopped while the time stills moves on…I have no desire to fight though even if I try. I guess I’m lost in my little world and will be for a while, hopefully no more than that.

      I usually don’t have the time to stop by other people’s blogs anymore but I took a look on yours. Seems like you are going though ups and downs yourself. Hopefully it gets better for you. :)

      Right now, I’m not feeling very talkative, with no one at all. I’ll keep that in mind though, thanks. :3 It means a lot to me to have you guys remembering me even after all this time.

  3. I know all too well what you are feeling. I’m just struggling to find words that might ease your pain. I’ve followed your blog for a while and you’ve followed mine, you were there for me when I was feeling the exact same way you feel now. I know it’s little comfort, but know that this phase of life is only temporary.

    The people that hurt you now will not be there forever. They’ll go on to a bigger pond and then one day they will be the ones that are stomped on. Karma is good at creating an equal playing field, I’ve seen that first hand. Cling to the people who nurture you and then drop the ones who do not. They aren’t friends, they aren’t anything besides leeches that drain your joy and stifle you. You are generous, you give to others without thought. But don’t use your gift on people that take advantage. Store it up and use it for people who deserve your time and attention.

    I know you’ve got a lot of things going on, but I hope you realize that you are an important person. You have so much to give! Nothing is ever beyond hope or out of your reach. Remember that your opinion of yourself is so much more important than other people’s, so don’t let anyone step on you! You are strong enough to stand on your own, and you will. A big hug to you, and please feel free to drop me a line on my blog if you ever want to talk.

    1. Hello Darling!

      How have you been?

      I don’t think anything can erase any pain at the moment. I’m feeling myself slipping away, as much as I hate it. I guess it hurts me that some people choose to not be in my life anymore. I can deal with some of them leaving, my door have been long left open for them to do so. It’s the ones you want to keep but suddenly disappear slamming the door is the hardest thing for me to cope with right now.

      My only thoughts go around the word WHY!? and spin and spin and spin….Till I’m silently screaming nothing, till I’m trying to cry so I can erase the pain but, as I wrote, my tears cry inside of me right now and not outside. I left a snippet on your blog that could explain you some things….

      I found it hard to do anything right now, I had difficulties even replying to your and other’s comments, something I never had a problem doing. But I found myself lost…

      I thank you for the encouraging words. I hope the mist will rise and I can finally see myself like that again. Right now though…I think I lost the map. It’s good advice, it’s advice that I’ll do my best to follow. I’ll try, I’ll fail, I’ll try again. There’s gonna be some light at the other end of this long tunnel, right?

      An even bigger hug in return, my dear Katie!

  4. Very deep and transparent you are. I too am sorry that you feel hopeless on so many different levels. I wish for you to find freedom from that sense if purposelessness. You are important to everyone and everything you touch, even though they don’t know it … I just write a picture quote that says, “Please, cry for the ones you love … even if they don’t know the value if your tears.”

    I know the value precious soul. I know your value, even if you can’t see it, I can see it so clearly in this post.

    I normally charge for my “life mentoring” sessions, but I would love the opportunity to speak with you without cost, because your suffering is so beautiful to me. They way you are embracing it tells me so much about what you can give away.

    So much peace and kindness I wish for you today.

    Love,
    Sheri

    sherisbessi@yahoo.com

    1. Hello my dear Sheri!

      I must admit, I never understood how you could do it, being forever an inspiration and peace of mind to everyone you spoke to, though your blog, though your visits on others…and yet, that’s exactly what you are doing.

      I don’t what I should answer you. You are right, I’m feeling as if I got no purpose anymore. Can’t say I had too much to begin with but I had a rough idea of what I would’ve liked even if it happened or not. Now…I can’t even remember that.

      “Please, cry for the ones you love … even if they don’t know the value if your tears.”
      Ah, you hit the nail on the head. That is one of the reasons why I’m crying. The fact that they seem to not even care hurts even more though…I wouldn’t want to talk about it on my blog as I would rather keep that person’s life private.

      I usually think of talking to people as bothering them…I might take you up on your offer. I talked with someone that caused me a lot of grief. For some reason, albeit it might be just the adrenaline, I, after a healthy dose of crying, felt more at peace with myself than in all those weeks. It’s starting to catch up to me and tire me out and make me slip under again. Perhaps in time it will get better. I’d love to talk with you but at the moment I’m still a bit lost in my thoughts. I’ll contact you, if that offer still stands. I wouldn’t mind talking with someone. :3 Thank you for the kind thought, though. :)

      1. The offer stands, and you are welcome. Hours, minutes, seconds … none can be retrieved. Don’t let unworthy people keep you from living a very brief but beautiful life. Pain, discomfort, suffering all eventually collide with compassion, kindness and peace. They even sometimes share the same road. Love, Sheri

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