When they die…It haunts me!

It may seem silly to cry from reading a blog post about animals but Mellisa’s simply touched that cord…

I remember the dogs and cats that aren’t here anymore, some of old age, some from car accidents etc. And I have a lot of GoodByes that I can’t even say, even now.

I just don’t wanna say that to them even though I know they are gone. I simply love them too much still and I am selfish too…That simply makes me not want to let them go.

I know nobody else will remember them, even I started to forget how they looked, what they liked, why they meant so much but I still want to hold on to them, I don’t want to part ways!

I’m sorry to you all but, as much as I try, I can’t refuse to accept that you aren’t here anymore, that I’ll never see you stretching when you’re waking up or running around. I can’t accept that I can’t look at or hug you either because I’m sad or I’m just trying to tell you all ”I love you”.

Would you ever be able to forgive me? I don’t even care that I can’t forgive myself for that. I should let you rest in peace and not disturb you and I admit, I loved some of you more than the others and I didn’t know how to appreciate you…

Some of you died from my own foolishness! I can’t bear that but I don’t want to not bear that either. I have no idea what I want anymore besides, probably, your immortality outside my heart and head.

I know I promised Alastair to reblog a comment to his post about the damage we do to animals and I wanted to write one too. I apologize for not being able to write one until now.

I want to make a change about how the world treats the animals but, as much as I care for them, I’m just not strong enough. I got my own wounds to still salt and my current animals future to worry about. I really wish I could but I simply can’t be stronger when I’m not. I admit to that.

Thank you Melissa for inspiring this here. In the gallery are only a few that I could still find pictures of. They are truly too many to count and name.

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5 thoughts on “When they die…It haunts me!

  1. No need to apologise. A post like this is difficult to write, Losing a pet is like losing a member of the family. I still get upset when I think of the dog we lost 8 years ago. We got her when she was not being looked after by a member of family. When we got her, she would run, hide and wet herself the moment someone raised their voice. She wouldn’t play and lay quivering all the time. Within 18 months, she had put on weight and would run and play. She didn’t bother with raised voices. Then, unfortunately due to the beatings she had got, her kidneys packed up. When she was put to sleep was one of the worst days.

    Then just over a year ago, we had to have a cat put to sleep when she either had a tumour, kidney failure – due to being hit by a car when he was less than a year old – or cancer. My daughter broke her heart over that and has a shrine to him in her bedroom.

    1. I guess that putting them to sleep is the hardest decision one could do. Sure, it helps them as they won’t be in pain anymore but we would be.
      I simply had to watch them die though, with nothing I could do to help. Guess that’s hard too…

      You are really brave Alastair, even digging up the memory hurts. Writing about it, while it does help ease the pain, it never goes away and it makes the realisation that they are indeed gone more clear. I would have never guessed you went though that as your blog is an inspirational place most of the time. Guess that life it’s full of surprises but it’s sad you went through that. I can say it from experience.

      And no, it’s not pity from me, I’m simply relating with you here.

      1. I try to be inspirational because of what I have been through. “When going through hell, it’s best to keep going as the other end may be closer than you think

        It was best for them, my cat, on his last day, had blood coming from his mouth and he was incontinent. It was heartbreaking to see him like that. I was very selfish though. I caused him to suffer in pain for a couple of extra days because I didn’t want him to go on my birthday.

        Being with them when they go naturally, I think that is just as hard. I saw my dad’s old cat go that way, and he was just yowling, then suddenly stopped.

        1. That’s one good quote there.

          Yeah, I guess the worst moment for me was picking them off the middle of the road, cold and putting them aside till I could bury them…The fact that people actually ask you to check if they are alive or not even after a few days *shudder*. I only got a few that died naturally, the rest…

          The worst was when we were going to my Mom’s and we we’re talking about Tana and how we came to love them (I loved adult cats more than the little ones back then) but when we came back, she wasn’t anywhere. I didn’t sleep and waited for her with the curtain drawn. In the morning, when I threw the front gates open, there she was, on the other side of the road, Tail pulled off the bone and the face hit… Mom simply froze and I had to go, pick her up, carry her to the back of the yard and go to school. Only one of my friends got the fact that I love them so much, the other 2 were really inconsiderate and wouldn’t shut up (my friend tipped them off on what happened). Anyway, I did phone mom to tell her to pick up her tail from the road and she assured me she did so but who knows…

          I won’t go into much more detail but there’s a moment that haunts me, near where we found her in the morning, the cat went over a bump and the tail was already on the road (even though we didn’t know it what it was then), but no Tana in sight when we looked and came back from buying her food. I don’t even think I want to know what happened…

          And that’s just one of the times…The last few years got me digging many of their graves. I just don’t understand what we’re doing wrong when we try to teach them as well as we can to avoid the street and care for them not to get sick… And, ”If anything happens for a reason”, then what would the reason be here? A phantom God’s amusement?

          1. Not long after I was squiffed up with my back, my ex-wife went into to buy her Christmas present from me, and I looked out the back window. The cat was down the bottom of the garden covered in blood. He had been hit by a car and dragged himself home. He had a broken leg and a broken jaw. Over the years, his jaw used to pop out, and he would come running to me to massage it back :-)

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