Stuck With a Black Hearth on Board (Hole in My Soul-Blog Challenge-Part 2)

Hey! Today I decided to do another one and it helped me a lot, plus, I enjoyed it ( Back in Time Challenge answered by me here was the other one I did) So now I’m doing this blog challenge of Tilda’s. Here’s what it’s all about:

Robbie Williams has a famous song called “Feel”. One of the lines in the song is

“There’s a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face …”

Think about that, and write whatever it makes you “feel”.

Do you identify with it, or does it leave you feeling nothing? Explain.

Can people see it in your face, or is there nothing there to see?

Hole In My Soul

Come on hold my hand,

Love ? I love love love you.

The pieces of love I crumb together now feel meaningless, empty of words, flooded with pain yet no remorse floods out, only in, from me.

I wanna contact the living.

Where are you? Why won’t you help me when I fall, when I scrap my knees in those mean people’s glass hearts? Why do I feel abandoned now.
Not sure I understand,

Why, if you love me, won’t you let go? My hearth aches still. It always did! And you refuse to mend it.

This role I’ve been given.

I sit and talk to god

You tell me you do that every night. You say that you want but you can’t, not know.
And he just laughs at my plans,

Oh, you do laugh. You make empty promises and shield my hope in a phantom crystal cube.
My head speaks a language, I don’t understand.

Years of begging, cries and crush on my own skin, why won’t you remember them? Why won’t you consider them? Why do you make me feel like you’ve had abandoned me!?

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,

Canon Love

Feel the home that I live in.
Mom, I want this please…please!
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

Why won’t you consider me?

I don’t wanna die,

Wailing on my own lack of power, of effort which, even if I put it in, it never shows. Never acknowledged, never agreed on, always dismissed as a childish, idiotic thought by them all, you, grandma, uncle, almost everyone.
But I ain’t keen on living either.

Won’t you believe I will let go? As much as I love you and hate death, would it be a crime for me to rather die…?
Before I fall in love,

Before you go to sleep, you’re always sure of my love, same as when you wake up. If I didn’t love you, now I’d say, *You shouldn’t be so sure!* but I won’t because, Mom, with all your flaws, you are still mine.
I’m preparing to leave her.

I want out. Out of this cage you dare call life. Out of this house which I’d rather burn down. Him out of my sight. A better life instead!
I scare myself to death,

That you would not be there. That he might do something to you or that your body will fail from the stress.
That’s why I keep on running.

Yeah, that’s part of the reason why I scream and beg and kick at those restrains which you call *necessary*. Stop trying to fool me around!
Before I’ve arrived, I can see myself coming.

Oh, mom, why do I let myself forgive (cuz I bet you I won’t forget) the valley of your thinking? Sorry Mom, but your excuses aren’t something I remember you being. Where are You?

Love

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,

Let me feel…
Feel the home that I live in.

Love, Warmth, Happiness.
’cause I got too much life,

Why crush me now?
Running through my veins, going to waste.

And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.
I want us both to move on.

(instrumental)

I still refuse to call that dude my *dad* and the term family seems untrue.

(chorus)

Love Love Love


I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.

He turned most of my hearth black with anger, hate, sadness, regret, vengeance. All of it bad. And I won’t be afraid to show him that and treat him as low as possible. I will say in his face square

(instrumental)

Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.

*You’re not my father* and *I want you out of my life already*

I feel like I have so much more to say, you already know but I will say it all again. Even if that makes you feel miserable, you’re the one that always tried to teach me to be selfish. I want us both to let go with a smile on our faces and a big wight lifted from our shoulders.

_______________________________

The subject of this story is about Mom refusing to live my dad even after years of begging from me. So I wrote it down.

She already knows everything I wrote here, she isn’t all that happy with our family’s situation but she keeps going and I disagree. That’s it, summed up. I will go more in-depth on the subject in further posts.

I do love my Mom to pieces but I will always trow this in her face, no matter how upsetting for her it is because I can’t just let it go. So, sensible viewers, turn away.

It doesn’t contains swears or anything like that, just a harsh reality shake with my beloved Mom composed by jumbled emotions. I hope this entry is okay, Tilda but if not, I can always change course and write about other stuff. I have plenty of stuff to nom on this blog, good or bad. Also, I based this on all the song but the starting idea is *Hole In My Soul* :) Wuuhuuu! 2 Posts a Day. Oh my! You wouldn’t tell by my post but I’m actually in a happy mood. :)

The only thing bugging me is the fact I can’t find a way to format this post to look nice and be easy to read. Why did I include the lyrics? I wrote something, paused the video, wrote some more, with each lyric, almost, so that’s why. Mhm…complicated, right? Also, my name has no L in it, stop that! :P

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11 thoughts on “Stuck With a Black Hearth on Board (Hole in My Soul-Blog Challenge-Part 2)

  1. First, sorry if I’ve been getting your name wrong. Ok, it’s Ieonaa. Second, wow, this is a very powerful and moving response to this part of the challenge. Thank you so much. Oh my goodness, you don’t need to change anything. This is extremely impactful and very brave to face these feelings and write them down. And I think it’s really special that you used *all* the lyrics from the song. That’s amazing. You said at the top that it “helped” you to write this. For that, I am really glad. Thank you so much Ieonaa for contributing to my blog challenge with such an excellent post. I’m very grateful. I’m sorry for your difficulties. Very, very sorry.

    1. Most people get it wrong, I just had to poke them about it. XD
      I think all the challenges will help me in a way or the other, mainly to trow some things outta my shoulders. So really, thank you. :) *hugs*
      I wanted to talk about this but I’m not one to sit down and write something if I don’t really feel like it, important or not.
      3 more to go. Uh, I’ll deal with them as they come I guess.

      1. Take your time! You don’t even have to finish it. I always tell people that they can answer as many or as few questions as they like. They don’t have to be in the actual competition. If there is a question which is calling to you, you can answer. If you don’t hear something calling, then don’t write! I believe we need to feel inspired to write, nothing should come from pressure. So I thank you again for whatever you choose to answer and whenever. It’s all in your power. *hugs*

  2. What an intense and emotional piece. Thank you for sharing this. This is perfect for the challenge. After reading this i just want to give you a great big hug. I hope things change for you and your family. I can feel real hurt and emotions seeping through the computer screen. Keep writing, maybe it will help you let some of it out more.

  3. Leonaa,

    Wow. My heart aches for the pain you’re experiencing. I pray that the Lord will deliver you from all of this pain, and that He will use it to make you stronger. I really believe (from my own personal experience with pain) that one day, you will be able to minister to others who are hurting.

    Meanwhile, I will pray for you. Your post struck a chord within me, because I too, can remember wanting my mom to leave my dad (my stepfather), but she chose him over me. I remember the pain that I suffered at the time, but have hope, because even though it doesn’t seem like it now, God can heal all of the pain. I pray the Lord blesses you abundantly, and that He gives you strength to carry on. I also pray that He places people in your life who will love you the way you should be loved, because you are worthy of love.

    Many blessings to you,
    Cheryl

    1. Hi Cheryl! :)

      I thank you for the kind words. It’s a bit unfortunate to relate with someone on such circumstances but I hope all worked out well for you.
      I really don’t know what to tell you really, I’ve been pondering till now so I’ll just say this: I’m not quite the religious person but thank you.

Drop me a line or a few! :)

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