I Forgive Myself! (Part One – Back in Time Blog Challenge)

Letter from Caleb (detail)

How are you clueless girl? Are you still thinking of the wind as an eternal spirit that takes you running faster down the hill? Are you still afraid of the shadows, the lone rooms within the house?
Friends

Yes, you are right in most of your assumptions. They will never care enough, you will never consider your dad-your *dad* and you’ll redirect the role instead, he will never buy you things you need or let them buy them yourself or helped by your Mom. He will keep drinking, keep on being crazy and harmful to your core as well as mom’s.
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Kindergarten will be a weird place where kids won’t believe you when you tell them that the sun doesn’t actually has teeth and that is just a figure of speech to indicate a cold day with the sun still visible.

Your childhood friends will never hold and they will grow away from you. You will never have true friends probably and you should never be eager to please them. “You should use them too” is what others would be advising you. Don’t listen though, that’s just not You.Math Dances

Be brave, fear not the elementary school grades and don’t hit the guys on your class too hard, they are only trying to play with you, joking around. You will always fail at math and, even if you do your desk-mate exercise correctly, for your own paper 12+19 will always give 89 and so forth thought-out the paper. I still find it weird and impossible to explain but do not fret it, you will never be good at this or similar subjects but you won’t need them in 11th grade as they will be off your grill.
Somewhere at the start of your High-School you will grow close to your Mom and she will be your best friend, thing which will come with the price of losing the closeness to your previous parents, Grandma and Grandpa, your first Mom and Dad.
Cover of "Grandma and Grandpa (Out-and-Ab...
Oh, I should tell you, Grandpa will have lots of medical problems and he will end up paralyzed on the left side. He will be walking with help only after 7 or so years with the help of Aura, an old but young sort of friend.
At 11 years old, on the show day for the dance course you signed up for, you will get tangled into the problems of puberty and will kinda steal Santa’s gift from the little girl in front of you on the haste off the stage.

Unfortunately, for reasons I can’t explain, be it Mom’s-shove-down-your-throat-fish oil-pills, menstruation, bad phase of life or whatever was it then, you will chug down food like no tomorrow with no break on. Sure, from that frail 24 KG 11-year-old, you will get to 47 KG  quickly and you will face the hospitals often for mysterious faints, headaches, tummy aches, dizziness and lots else. No, I don’t know their cause but they will all start to die out eventually.
Death
And you will lose your most beloved cat, Elodia, by your very own hands. She will ask to be taken outside and you will foolishly and unfathomable act of opening the window, so high up and…well, either push it or let her jump. You will them return to your computer, clueless and will pray and cry and suffer while wondering what hurt your cat which your grandma found to be lying in the snow below your window.
Memories
Then, you won’t remember nothing and she will die under your watch and you will cry and cry. One day you will remember that you were her doom and that would just twist the knife in an already unsellable scar. Still, even if now I’m not even containing tears, I wish you to hold on for she is the cat, your most beloved and most cried for, up until now. And other people might find it weird, stupid, useless to cry over but you will always love and wish for her return even if you barely remember her sleeping vertically on your arm and waking you up with her nose and the feeling of her will be gone yet be replaced by claws of pain into your own. You shall love her, cry for her a lot more and do live on with one arm stretched after her. She’s worth the remorse and time containment, worth it all but life is gonna spin forever so you should try to go along.
Asking For Forgiveness
The reason for this letter is mainly the part where my cat died. Can we really classify it as murder? Was it an accident? What was it really? I do not know. Unforgettable now, uncontrollable and not realized then…Yes, if I could turn back the time, I would do it for her. The pain got a bit dulled, still squeezing my heart now. I’m sure this will seem as something you’ll never do as you do love animals but hey, you will do it and you should learn from it. I won’t ask for forgiveness upon yourself. That’s too hard to do, I know, but if we don’t will we ever be able to? Even if I’m not sure I fully believe it, I will spare you the pain, kid. I shall state a closing statement: “For Elo, I forgive myself!”

_________________________

A Letter to Myself by Katie Renee is what prompted this letter. She writes about her life, thoughtfully and openly. Back in time by tfaswift is the starter of it all though. It’s a blog challenge for which I’m thankful and I hope you’ll try too. Scrolling down to the comments, you will find the answers of other bloggers who responded to this challenge. I will go though them myself and pick the one’s I truly felt for, in the second part of this letter, as I’m not done opening my heart quite yet. :) The cat part was the first I wrote and that hurt the most. After I finished my letter most of the pain went away so yes, it’s a blog challenge, a talk with yourself you gotta have.

Still, even going though the things I described, I never forgot one thing, which may sound very cheesy: To smile!

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7 thoughts on “I Forgive Myself! (Part One – Back in Time Blog Challenge)

  1. Sometimes, when we are young, we do things that don’t make sense. I was a completely different person when I was young and I’ll admit that I was… irrational. Reading this from an outside prospective, it is my understanding that the tragedy involving your cat was an accident. I know I’ve done stupid things with my cats in the past, not even thinking that it would be remotely dangerous. Until I hear the howling and the crying, and then I’m running like a crazy person. There was a lion king reenactment once, because I was a horrible cat parent in that one moment. The one thing you can do with this situation besides forgive yourself is to learn from it and never do it again. I already know that the next time you get a cat, you will never ever do that again. You’ll probably even be a tad bit overprotective, and that’s okay. The remorse you have clearly indicates that it was an accident.

    I also had a really hard time making friends when I was younger, and I’ve kept absolutely none of them into my adult life. To be honest, they weren’t all that great. Kind of annoying, really cliquey, and I was a late bloomer. So no matter what, I just didn’t fit in. Which was fine in my case because I was homeschooled and opted out of co-ops when I got fed up with it. I met my next group of friends through work, and I haven’t talked about that disaster because I just can’t. The next time I make friends, it’s going to be through hobbies and places I like to go. Learning!

    I also repeated 8th grade math 3 times. The entire book. Yeah. And I dropped business calc in college and changed my major to History. Which I don’t regret, but kinda wish I’d stuck it out just to prove to myself that I could do it.

    Now, I’ll admit that I’m a comfort eater. I struggle with it every single day and it annoys me. I used to be double my size (Size 18-20) when I was about… 14-15. I went on a diet I developed for myself and stuck to it. I lost weight the healthy way. Then, I started college when I was 16 and stopped eating because I was so stressed… and lost the rest of my weight the unhealthy way. But I know how it is to struggle with weight, I have to watch everything I eat. If I eat out too much, I know it because it goes straight to my thighs. Ugh. Cooking for myself helped a lot, so did finding out how many calories I was eating and what exactly I was putting into my body. Still, I wish I could just sit down and eat a double cheeseburger and slab of cheesecake. But, I can’t. *sigh* Life isn’t fair.

    I’m glad that this letter really helped you look at some things in your life. While one single letter can’t fix the world, it’s a great start. But don’t be so hard on yourself, trust me. The rest of the world will beat you up, but you will always know the truth about yourself and be your own cheerleader. Great start!

    1. Yes, I do wish the best and try to do my all for my animals now (cats and dogs). It was an accident but I wasn’t realizing what I was doing. At all. Also, I forgot what I did till years later.Only recently I remembered that it was me who more or less killed her.
      I’m not one that likes to fit at any cost. You either like me or you don’t. Be my friend and I’m all yours. Your not, I don’t care about you.
      I never weighted my food or tried diets. I did try to manage it a bit but to no avail so I gave up and decided to to pleased with myself and, if I can, lose some more.
      I was never good at the stuff that included pure brains, numbers, memory, stuffs. I always hated English and History too but I’ve grown to be very good at them so yay. I’m following a path that kicks out the stuff I don’t like for things I like (English, History, Language, Other Foreign Languages etc) and focuses writing and languages so it’s all fine now.

      Thank you for being my inspiration on this letter and sharing with me. :)

  2. Some people might not understand this because it was a cat, and some people think, what’s the big deal? But I get it. I love animals, so I really get it. I had a mouse when I was little, a pet mouse. I didn’t know how to play with a mouse, I shouldn’t really have been allowed to have a pet, and it died. It died because of me.

    I still cry when I think about it. I didn’t mean to hurt it. I was just playing, but it was a living creature and I treated it like a toy, and it died. I will carry that pain in my heart forever, but I learned from it. I learned the huge responsibility of caring for innocent creatures.

    Since then I have gone on to volunteer at various animal rescue centres and have saved many animals. Nothing will take away what happened to my mouse. The wound healed, but the scar remains. Scars are part of life. I’m sure, from reading your letter, that (like Katie said) if/when you ever have another cat or any other pet, you will be extra wonderful and take good care of it. Kids do some strange things. The fact that you feel remorse is normal and healthy. It would be much more unusual if you didn’t.

    A very brave letter, I can tell that must have been a hard one to write. I’m really pleased that some of the pain went away after writing the letter. Sometimes we have to face that painful stuff, get it out, and then it feels better. Thank you for sharing and acknowledging my challenge up there. Thank you for your brave and very moving letter.

    1. Yes, I know some people will simply not get it and that’s okay. The most important thing is, I get it and some other people get it too. But mostly me. And I’m not trying to be selfish but just by writing it I felt so much better. Even if I never shared this, I would still be better. Sharing it makes it even more sensible, in the positive way this time.

      As I told Katie, at the moment when I let my cat outside, I never realized what I was doing, the fact that it was the wrong window. I just went back to my PC or whatever I was doing and didn’t thought of it anymore. (I don’t remember if I pushed her, tried to, she jumped herself etc and I wish I never will)

      When my grandma found it, she was barely breathing and I kept on asking myself, then and years later, what happened to her, why killed her. On a random day I remembered and…well, it added to the existing pain and many nights and days where I poured my eyes out for her.

      I will always want her back and shred tears, more than I ever shred for other people or animals even if they died in my arms too (my grandpa, other cat-small, lungs not developed, mom’s most beloved dog etc).

      I am glad I let this burden out though, it was the right thing to do. Thank you both! :)

      I’m sure mousy had some happy moments too. Yes, animals can teach us lots.

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